‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.