The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
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The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason