“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
How do you like your Corgi?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
congratulations to them
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.