When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
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[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.