@Cheeseboy22: I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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@joe_binkley: "I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident." "Ok, but we already said you got the job."
@jumpdashark: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly." ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
@joejwest: [traffic jam] MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why? ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It's his birthday
@nbadag: [very obviously being hit on] hahaha ok well, see you around [4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe] wait a second