I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN