I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Taliband
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Please do it!
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐