I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
#parenting
Computer: shutting down
Me: same