@DirtMcTurd: I just did my own taxes for the first time and I'm glad I did because I'm getting 8 million dollars back this year!
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@DurtMcHurtt: I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
@bornmiserable: "Welcome to McDonald's, how may I take your order?" "Begrudgingly, I would imagine."
@KalvinMacleod: My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
@Brianhopecomedy: I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old's burp.