@DirtMcTurd: I just did my own taxes for the first time and I'm glad I did because I'm getting 8 million dollars back this year!
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@Darlainky: Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
@Marlebean: [Interviewing to be a mortician] Do you have any experience handling dead bodies? -Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
@theshantilly: My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
@jwoodham: "Hey guys, I just lost at the Golden Globes!" - Louis CK, brilliantly introducing himself tonight.