I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬