When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
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Oh the world we live in…
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
omg leave her alone