I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Venn