@theshamingofjay: I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.
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@jonnysun: [at a fancy restuarant] WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip ME: ok [writing on bill] "only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg"
@KyleMcDowell86: *puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame* I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
@pinupteacher: Two people have knocked on my door this morning so I did what any grown adult would do and hid.