[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
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okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
beware of dog
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming