@theshamingofjay: I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.
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@CelebrityChez: My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
@BigHeb7: If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can't be left alone with your best looking cousin.
@smithsara79: Me: *crying* B-but... but you said... Waiter: *sigh* "Unlimited" breadsticks, I know ma'am, but we're closing now & you have to go
@BoogTweets: Dove: Dad, what's my name mean? Me: It's the symbol for love Swallow: What about mine? Me: Umm, true love.