@theshamingofjay: I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.
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@TylerLinkin: Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
@KLobstar: [seaside wedding] We are gathered here today to celebrate the- [bride picked up by giant seagull] -completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
@Just_Lee_: My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I'm disgusted. What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
@DurtMcHurtt: Her: hey handsome, why don't you give me your number... Me: ...because I still need it.