I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down