Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
You Might Also Like
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
i smell a pulitzer
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now