I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
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9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce