I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
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Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.