Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster