I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
You Might Also Like
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.