What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
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Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up