@Bill_Nye_tho: i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don't like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals
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@Brampersandon_: [pharmacy] "Can I help you?" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
@DurtMcHurtt: [Sahara desert] Me: *shares canteen* Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out* Me: it's ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
@SamDeLanche: We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She's going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.
@inpoliteco: If you're telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.