@Phook75: I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house
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@JoshuaHvr: Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I'm Tweeting." Boss: "What's the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
@TellingTellers: An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
@Sickayduh: Wife: Have u done anything today? Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street Wife: Wheelie? Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk