@Phook75: I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house
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@PMTheron1: There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
@suntzufuntzu: The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn't mind if you don't click the ads, it just hopes they please you.
@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.