Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
#NeverForget
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!