Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
fired
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.