Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
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Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.