i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Me too, bag. Me too….
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.