I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
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You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Just parrot things
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Something Saturday.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies