[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
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My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My daily affirmation
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.