I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there