@BareChesty: I just found out I passed my drug test.... Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
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@Smethanie: My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I've been drinking at home, stupid kids can't reach the pedals.
@daveexplosm: If God hates gays so much, why didn't he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he's more pissed that you're jealous of your friend's PS4
@SamGrittner: You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?