@BareChesty: I just found out I passed my drug test.... Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
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@TomSchally: For as much as they teach you "Stop, Drop, and Roll" as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
@realslimswamy: Arm wrestling is for guys who like to hold hands with other guys while staring into their eyes.
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: Do you ever feel like you're an imposter? Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair Me: Interesting *writes 'thinks he's the psychiatrist'*