@BareChesty: I just found out I passed my drug test.... Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
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@FrenulumBreve: [Man in restaurant] I'll have that lobster please. *points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
@LukeMones: Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway...polite or the ultimate shade?
@OrangeFact: My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy's and a cabbage account