Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I’m putting together a team
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.