Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Confused owl: What?!
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win