@giftedrascal: I just found out my mum didn't know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in
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@carlyken: As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you're left with the last idiot standing.
@david8hughes: [baby wakes up in the middle night] "Go back to sleep, hun. I'll sort it out." [puts baby on eBay]
@imdaintyaf: I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.