@giftedrascal: I just found out my mum didn't know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@upsidedowntrash: [first day in a new house] Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
@david8hughes: On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn't feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
@stephenjmolloy: Magician: "Think of a number." Me: "Okay." Magician: "Are you thinking of a number?" Me: "Yes." *the crowd goes wild with applause*
@XplodingUnicorn: I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.