I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.