I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
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A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me too
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.