@TheHyyyype: ME: my wife and i are having a baby! FRIEND: wow, that's amazing! congratulations! sex? ME: yes, that's how we made the baby...

@Nickadoo: The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would've been like.

@sofarrsogud: My son and I play a game where he talks all day and I bang my head against a wall.

@KarenKilgariff: Watch The Walking Dead with someone who's super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, "Wait, who's this now?"

@HiddenPinky: "This does not bode well." - a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he's returning a boder.