@NotJPo: In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.

@djdarrellripley: Me: You're so selfish! Her: I'm selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community. Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

@ArfMeasures: DATE: What's your favourite movie? ME: Kill Bill DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated ME [long pause] Killiam William

@theroyaltramp: When I was little I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. *looks around* I guess I should have been more specific.

@CulturedRuffian: My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.