Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas