@theshamingofjay: I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
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@sofarrsogud: BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said 'good bison'. I never saw him agai...oh, ok I see now
@seandunn76: "Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women," I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don't even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
@lovemyboots111: Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life.... Avoiding them