Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.