CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.