I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
This kid will have a bright future.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?