I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time