I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.