I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I’m not stressed
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?