I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.