I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs