[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
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i spent way too long on this
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
✌️
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.