A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
You Might Also Like
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.