I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
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The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”