I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
This is I, Robot all over again
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.