I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
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INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM