I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.