Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
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Netflix and scream at our children?!
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore