I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
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[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!