@rolldiggity: I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
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@QuietPsycho: Advice from a 6 year old patient: "You should wear your stethoscope everywhere...girls will really like you. You look smart"
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "Yeah, well your dog isn't a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you're vaccinated" - how a kid talks shit in 2015
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Can I have some of your candy? 3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer? Me: 3: Me: 3: Me: Deal. Wife: NO!
@flashember: You've reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message. "Hi it's the library. The book 'How to Steal Library Books' is now 1 week over...UH OH"