I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.