I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.