I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
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turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.